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by Jojora



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 13:12:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jojora/pseuds/Jojora
Summary: An angsty alternate timeline to Justin and Ethan's break-up and Justin and Brian's reunification.





	1. Chapter 1

"He would just let me die."

The words rang through Justin's head. Daphne had been joking, of course. He had been joking too, in the moment. He didn't realize how much he meant it until now, as he was walking alone down Liberty Avenue, lighting another cigarette. He didn't want to be here, but Daphne had begged him to leave her place. She was tired of watching him waste away in her room and she thought getting out would do him some good.

He couldn't stop thinking about Brian. And Ethan. Why was it that no guy thought he was enough? Why was it that he was still aching and pining over Brian when Brian treated him like crap? Justin had been so understanding in that relationship. He had never tried to change Brian or Brian's ways. But Brian still had to go out of his way to be a jerk and to ensure that Justin knew exactly what his place was and how little he deserved.

Sighing, he made his way into Woody's and slumped into a bar stool. He ordered a whiskey and then ran his hands through the back of his hair. 

Someone slid into the seat next to him. "Fancy meeting you here." 

Justin recognized Brian's voice immediately, but he didn't respond or look up. He just swirled the liquid in his glass. 

"Trouble in paradise?" Brian sneered.

Justin cringed. Why was he putting up with this? They weren't even together, and Brian was still going out of his way to hurt him. 

"What do you care?" Justin bit back.

"I don't." Brian replied.

Justin let out a hollow laugh. "Yeah," he sighed. "I know." Then he downed his glass and left. For once, he wasn't in the mood to be Brian's verbal punching bag. As he stood up, he caught a glimpse of Brian's face, and it looked almost shocked. Like maybe he had managed to make it past Brian's defenses with that comment. But Justin knew that was impossible. 

Back outside, Justin wandered for a while. He could go to Babylon and find somebody to fuck, but the idea didn’t appeal to him tonight. So he just walked for what seemed like forever, and then he returned to Daphne’s place. She had already gone to bed, so he quietly made himself a bed on the couch and laid down.

He couldn’t sleep though. He lay there, wide awake, everything running through his head and a restless energy building up inside him, until he couldn’t stay there anymore. Getting up, he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil and started writing. 

Dear Brian,  
I hope you’re happy now. Fuck you.  
Sincerely,  
Justin

He almost smirked. It was petty, but he didn’t care. He didn’t care about much of anything at the moment. He quietly got dressed and slipped out the door. 

The walk to Brian’s place allowed time for even more restless energy to build as he thought about how fucked it all was. Not just with Brian and Ethan, but his whole life. His father and how he was kicked out of the house as a teenager. Chris Hobbs. All of it. By the time he reached Brian’s door, his hand was clenched around the small piece of paper and his body was tense and he couldn’t tell if he was angry or sad or empty.

He pounded on the door, relentlessly, for a solid two minutes. Brian was probably fucking some guy, but Justin didn’t care. He wasn’t going to let up. Finally, Brian answered the door. To Justin’s surprise, he at least had underwear on. 

“Justin…” Brian said, sounding surprised, but it quickly was replaced with annoyed. “It’s 4 in the morning.” 

Justin didn’t say anything. He hadn’t planned anything beyond making it to Brian’s door, and now that he was here, he didn’t know why he was. He took a step inside anyway, acting purely on instinct.

“Hey,” Brian said, his voice a little softer. “What’s up?” Justin must have really looked like a wreck to elicit any sort of kindness out of Brian. It shocked Justin so much that his anger almost turned to tears. He softened for a moment too. He reached out to pull Brian close.

Brian let him, and it felt so familiar. His scent, his warmth. Justin held him for a moment. There was a tension in the air, and Brian was looking at him like he was wondering what Justin would do next. He had missed this. He leaned forward and kissed Brian. Brian didn’t pull away, but he didn't really kiss back either, and suddenly, the anger reignited in Justin. What the hell was he doing, falling into this trap again? He pushed the crumpled up note into Brian’s palm and pushed him away. Then he turned and ran out the door and down the stairs.


	2. Chapter 2

Brian blinked. It took him a moment to overcome the shock of what had just happened. What? Did Justin expect him to chase him or something? Hadn’t he learned? Brian Kinney does not chase after boys. Boys chase after him.

Still, Justin did not look good just now. He hadn’t looked okay at the bar tonight and he looked even worse when he showed up at Brian’s door. Brian had never seen that kind of rawness in Justin and it was a little disconcerting. He’d seen Justin at his lowest, having to learn how to control his own body again after his brain injury. Even then, at that level of defeat, there had been a fire in Justin. A defiance. It was what made Justin such an exciting and intriguing person. But tonight, Brian didn’t see that same fire. Justin hadn’t fought back when Brian teased him at the bar. He just gave up and walked away. Then he showed up here, erratic, with pain written all over his face, just to kiss Brian and leave. It all left an uncomfortable pit in Brian’s stomach. Something was very wrong.

It took Brian a moment before he realized he was holding something. He looked down and found a crumpled up piece of paper in his hand. Confused, he opened it up and read it. His heart sank. Shit.

Scrambling back to his room, he threw on some clothes as quickly as he could and bolted out the door and down the stairs after Justin. He looked up and down the street, but there was no sign of him. 

“Fuck,” Brian breathed. “Come on, Justin. Where are you?” He turned and began to walk quickly, looking around desperately for the bright blonde hair he knew so well. He didn’t see him anywhere. 

Brian stopped. Maybe he was overreacting. Maybe this wasn’t what he thought it was. But something in him knew that wasn’t the case. Justin wasn’t acting like himself, and something in that kiss had felt so broken. 

Brian let out a sigh of frustration and rubbed his face with his hands, and then he saw him. A figure above him. Approximately ten stories up sitting on the roof of a building. 

“No, no, no, no” Brian muttered as he ran towards the door of the building. “Damnit, please, don’t do this.” He pushed the elevator button at least twenty times in rapid succession. It wasn’t opening. He bolted for the stairs.

He opened the door to the roof and took a breath as he saw that Justin was still there, straddling the ledge.

“Justin,” Brian said, trying to keep his voice steady. “What are you doing?”

Justin scoffed but didn’t turn to look at Brian. “What do you think?” 

Brian could feel his hands shaking. Of all the people, why did it have to be him? He was the least empathetic person out there. He was not one to be talking other people off of ledges. But here he was, and he knew he had to do something.

“I think you should come over here and talk to me,” he responded softly.

“You don’t care.” Justin said, and his voice sounded flat.

“I do care,” Brian said firmly. “I chased you all the way over here, didn’t I?” 

Justin didn’t respond. Both of them stayed there in silence for a moment. Brian could hear his own heart pounding in his ears. 

He tried again. “Justin, please. Let’s just go home. When you wake up tomorrow, you’ll feel better.”

Justin let out a hollow laugh. “I don’t have a home. I haven’t had a home since I met you and got kicked out of my home.”

Brian flinched. He felt like everything he was saying was making this worse. 

“Justin,” he repeated and this time he couldn’t keep his voice from coming out broken. He could feel tears on his cheeks. “I don’t want to lose you.” 

This time Justin glanced at Brian briefly, before looking away again, but Brian saw an opening. He was getting through to him. 

“Just leave me alone.” Justin muttered.

“I can’t do that.” Brian said softly. He took a couple steps towards Justin, cautiously, not wanting to spook him. Justin looked up again, but didn’t move, so Brian kept walking until he was next to Justin. He sat down with him, one leg over the edge, mirroring Justin’s position. Now that he was up close, he could see Justin better. His eyes were red and tired. His face was lined with exhaustion. 

“What are you doing?” Justin asked warily. 

“If you jump, I’m going to have to jump with you.” Brian responded. 

Justin diverted his gaze again. “What is this, the fucking Titanic?”

Brian let out a small smile. That was the Justin he knew. He was still in there somewhere.

“I’m not usually big on the heterosexual roleplay, but we can give it a shot.” 

Justin almost laughed, and then after a moment, he started to cry. Brian reached out and grabbed Justin’s hand. “Let’s go inside,” he whispered. 

Justin nodded silently, and Brian helped him stand up. He wrapped his arm around him and led him to the door and down the stairs.


	3. Chapter 3

Brian sat and watched Justin sleep. He had managed to coax him into bed, after pure exhaustion had set in, but Brian was wide awake. How had this happened? He never saw it coming. Sure, he knew that Justin was a bit distanced lately, but Brian assumed that was just because of their break up. And yeah, he had gotten the impression that things weren’t going great with Ethan lately, but still. There were no indications that Justin was struggling this much.

What was he going to say to Justin when he woke up? How does one move forward after a night like the one they just had? Should he have driven Justin to a hospital instead of bringing him back to his own bed? But he couldn’t do that. 

Brian looked at the clock. It was almost 10am. He got up and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. There was no use just sitting there. He poured himself a mug and went to his couch. He felt like he should be doing something but there was nothing to do. He pulled out his phone. Maybe he should call Michael. 

Before he could type in the numbers, he heard the sliding doors to his bedroom creak open. 

“Hey,” Justin said softly. Brian jumped to his feet. 

“Hey. How did you sleep?”

Justin shrugged. He looked at Brian for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he muttered. 

“You’re sorry, huh? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Brian said loudly. He was shocked at the words and the anger coming out of his own mouth. “You scared the shit out of me.”

Justin swallowed and nodded, but didn’t say anything.

“Well?” Brian exclaimed. “Are you going to tell me what made you think to do something so stupid?” 

Justin didn’t respond right away. He just walked slowly over to where Brian was standing and sat down on the couch, looking at the floor. “Ethan cheated on me.” 

Brian raised his eyebrows. “So? That’s not worth dying over!” His voice was still raised. He couldn’t help it.

Justin shook his head. “It’s not like that. I mean, that set it off, but…” he trailed off. 

Brian sat back down, trying to calm himself. “But what?” he asked, his voice gentler this time.

“I just feel so alone, and so unwanted. By Ethan, by you, by my family,” he paused, “by the world.” 

Brian sighed. Justin was always so confident that sometimes Brian really forgot how young he was. But he remembered how hard it was to be gay at 19. Hell, it was still hard at 30. They can be as out and proud as they want, but there’s still a lot of built up shit that comes with it. Nobody ever talks about it. They all just pretend it isn’t there.

“Hey,” Brian said. “Look at me.” 

Justin complied.

“I am sorry. I should have paid attention.”

Justin shook his head. “It’s not your fault.”

“But I shouldn’t be making it worse. I’ve been a jerk lately. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

“Yeah you did,” Justin responded, but he didn’t sound angry. Just matter of fact.

“Yeah, maybe I did. But I didn’t know.”

Justin nodded, and then let out a small exasperated laugh. “I guess I should tell Daphne I was wrong.” 

“Wrong about what?” 

But Justin didn’t respond. Instead, he just hesitantly moved his face closer to Brian’s. Brian didn’t move. He could feel Justin’s breath against his lips. Then they were kissing. Then clothes were coming off. 

This had always been how they communicated best. Brian never had the words to tell Justin how he felt, but he knew how to do it through sex. Sure, he’s fucked a lot of guys. But Justin was the only one he’d ever made love to.

Brian pulled away briefly. “Does this mean you’re coming home?” 

Justin smiled, and pulled him back in.


End file.
